Festivus

For years now, I've been a proponent of not celebrating commercial Christmas. Oh sure,, the birth of Christ is always first and foremost but he really wasn't born on Dec. 25th anyway so why not just forget the whole thing? I'm sick of padding corporate pockets. What in the world would happen if people stopped going on a spending spree the last month of the year?

Black Friday is the day that stores hope to quit operating in the red and move to the black (financially). So if everyone decided that they were not going to buy a bunch of dumb crap that no one needs between the dates Nov. 28th and Dec 24th, what would happen to all of these stores?

I say, let 'em fall.

Perhaps after the initial shock wears off, small businesses will start to thrive and value for your dollar will be restored. I don't know,, it's just a theory. I don't have any financial models to back it up or any articles to point to, I'm just thinking out loud.

Instead, I want to celebrate Festivus.

Festivus is traditionally held any time between December and May but it can be held at any time in response to family tention. It begins with the annual Airing of Grievances. This can be done in any way you like. This is an opportunity to create your own family traditions. Legend has it that one family wrote their grievances on the refrigerator with black magic marker every year. Feel free to not deface your appliances.

During this Airing of Grievances, a celebratory dinner is served. Nothing like your family telling you where you've failed in life during dinner huh? The Festivus dinner traditionally consists of Meatloaf or Spaghetti with Red Sauce, and is followed by a Pepperidge Farm cake decorated with M&Ms. Acceptable beverages are Bourbon, Rum, Beer and Wine. The only unacceptable food are bagels.

After dinner and the Airing of Grievances, Feats of Strength are preformed. The head of the household chooses someone to challenge in a wrestling match. The chosen one may decline if he or she has something else to do, such as pull a double shift at work. Festivus is not over until the head of the household has been pinned to the living room floor in said wrestling match.

Festivus Miracles have been known to happen. They generally consist of minor coincidences like running into your drunken neighbor at the liquor store or getting a phone call during an uncomfortable conversation. (see Airing of Greivances). These can also be recognized year round.

As for decorations, there are few. A festivus pole is the centerpiece. It should be made of a heavy gauge aluminum with a "high strength to weight ratio". Nothing should adorn the pole and serve as a distraction from the Feats of Strength and the Airing of Grievances. When not in use, the pole must be stored in the crawlspace of your home.

In lieu of buying gifts for other people, you donate money to the Human Fund. This often involves going out and purchasing yourself something or just withdrawing money from your bank and putting it in your pocket.

Doesn't this sound like a better holiday? I mean, it's frugal, not fussy, you get some excersize, and your mental health is clear.

Festivus! A holiday for the Rest of Us!!!