Friday, April 18, 2008

I'm one of "those" people.

So I told you yesterday that I would tell you the stupid white trash thing I did. I aim to deliver but just a heads up, I feel a long drawn out post coming on with lots of "he said" and "she said" and profanity involved. This story is not suitable for all audiences.
Get a drink, perhaps a stiff one, it'll make the story better.

Ok, cozy? settled in?

Anyone who knows me knows that I've been in feud for blood with my neighbors for some time now. It was bound to come to a head,, we all know this, right? Well, Wednesday morning was that day.
Just to catch you up, they got a Beagle. Now I have nothing against Beagles per Se but Beagles are not exactly neighborhood dogs. When they can't roam, they bark and bark and bark and screech, and bark and whine and bark and... and... and... you get the idea. Cute dogs, Beagles,, but wow,, are they noisy. I put up with it because it wasn't really reasonable for me not to put up with it,
until Wednesday morning.
Come about 7am, I awaken to the screeching of the beagle dog right outside my bedroom window. I try to put a pillow over my head and go back to sleep because I'm feeling a little unwell.
No dice.
The barking gets louder and more obnoxious and UGH! I'm desperate for it to stop. Well, I get what I think, is a genius idea. We'd had pot roast the night before and we had quite a bit left. I went in the kitchen and broke off a large chunk. I then stepped out on my balcony and lobbed it at the dog.
Oh! What a happy puppy!
She was quiet, I was happy, I went back to bed.
For about 5 minutes.
Then just as I was drifting off, I awaken to BANG BANG BANG BANG.
OMG, what is it?
Well it's Mr. Jerkface and he has an attitude.
"yes, I gave her a chunk of potroast"
"DON'T FEED MUH DAWG" (he yelling mind you)
"then shut your *^$@#^* dog up, it's 7am!"
"I did what was reasonable to get her to be quiet for a while so I could get some sleep"
"I heard you @$$#*!%, Stop talking to me like one of your kids"

BSB Blank Stare Banana Yup, I stood there,, blank stare on my face, "WTH?"
He proceeded to threaten me and my animals and I told him that he'd better take as good care of mine as I've taken of his. I've done nothing wrong and he's just got an attitude because he knows I'm pissed at him.
Then he started in with "DON'T FEED MUH DAWG" crap again. Oh yeah,, literary scholar this one. I told him that if she barked under my window, I would feed her again, if you don't want her fed, then muzzle her.
me- "I'll make it your problem, you'll have the cops up here 24/7 " and he proceeded to threaten and posture again. This is when I called him on it and came out the door at him.
"I cannot believe that you are up in MY YARD at MY DOOR on MY PROPERTY threatening me!, you'd better back the $%^& up before I call the ^%* *&^% cops"
Well, now he started to back up.
While I was standing in my yard in my housecoat screaming at the top of my lungs at 7am on a Wednesday I figured I'd go all out. You know,, there's not really any turning back now, there's no redeeming myself so I cut loose.
I let him know just exactly what he could do to get rid of me. Clean his nasty nasty yard up. I let him know exactly what he was doing to every one's property value (houses on all three sides of him are for sale) and do you know what he said???
"I don't know what your problem is? What do you want me to pick up?"
By now I was furious.
"LOOK THE *&#@ AROUND DUMB @$$" "If I can see it,, CLEAN IT"

There was a lot more to the story but it's mostly a blur now. I couldn't calm down and I was feeling sick. I figured I'd get cleaned up and run some errands and spend the day out at a friends house to calm myself.
My last errand was Walmart. Don't you love shopping Walmart in the early morning? Isn't it great? No one... I mean NO ONE is there! But I digress.
I stopped off at the automated blood pressure cuff because my headache felt like a blood pressure headache. I waited as the evil thing put a blood blister on my fat upper arm and I was shocked. I turned to the pharmacist, who was on her elbows at the window, and asked "when was this thing calibrated? Is it pretty accurate?" She said "It usually is, let's hope that reading is wrong!"
She came out with a bp cuff and checked me herself and the machine was pretty close. My BP was 183/110. No wonder I felt like crap. She advised me to go to the ER and I told her I would. I went directly to Tarah's instead. I took a BP pill and in an hour or so I felt much better. So much better in fact that I called the nasty neighbor and apologized. I got his answering machine but just the same, I did apologize.
Later that evening, I'd calmed down quite a bit more and I came home to find Mr. C quite perturbed. Nasty neighbor had left a note of apology on our door.
Well, now that should have been it, shouldn't it have been?
You and I both know it's not. Mr. C was very ticked that I had apologized. He was furious that another man had come to our house when he wasn't home and threatened me, the kids and our property.
He paced the floor until nasty neighbor pulled in the drive way. Man, did he ever cut into him! He totally called him out and nasty neighbor totally tucked tail like a beagle that had been kicked for eating pot roast!
I won't go into details here. I'll keep that between me and Mr. C.
He's my knight in shining armor.I'm Blushing
I won't have to strangle anyone with CAT6 cable after all!


Stephanie said...

I've not seen this man, but I can totally picture this all in my head. Oh my!

Anonymous said...

You go girl!!!!!

moneytastesbad said...

Fantastic story. I wish I was your neighbor (not the nasty one) so I could have watched this all take place.

Lara, the Neurotic Att'y said...

OK, I'm totally with Mr. C. on this one. Why did YOU apologize??? First of all, if Larry the Cable Guy saw you feed his dog (how else did he know?), then he surely saw and heard the dog barking right under your window. If he didn't do something to shut the dog up, then he's an *ss. Second of all, who the heck gets up in a neighbor's grill for feeding a freakin' dog? He was out of line. As far as calling him out on his nasty yard, well, I'm sure you had every reason to, and I wouldn't feel bad for that either. Really, I would've loved to have seen you chew his butt.

Lara, the Neurotic Att'y said...

Checked out the pictures, and that is a white trash lawn of the highest order.

Blonde Goddess said...

Wow! Your neighbor sounds like a real winner.

In our neighborhood, I'm the bad neighbor but it's only because of the occasional nudity and squirt gun fights.

That's not so bad now is it?

Kristina said...

You did great. And, I'm lovin' Mr. C!